Let's Pull the Plug on Office Holiday Parties

There are few things in our professional lives that provide a greater risk of peril with so few rewards than the annual office holiday party. To many workers, these contrived and tortuously staged attempts at mandatory good cheer are as welcomed as a holiday fruit cake.

Bah! I say get rid of them.

The justifications for the holiday party usually include a sincere expression of appreciation for employees' hard work throughout the year, or providing an opportunity for employees who rarely have contact with one another to meet in a "casual" environment. A closer look reveals flawed thinking. If the office holiday party is your way of telling employees you appreciate their hard work or your strategy for employee bonding, you've probably already failed.

Let's be honest, for many companies, the annual office holiday party is just another business function, wearing a party dress and sipping eggnog. Attendance usually is not mandatory, but miss it at your peril! And it's a little arrogant for supervisors to presume that employees want to spend time socializing with them.

I came across this soul-crushing list of office party "Dos & Don'ts" from Quintessential Careers, an HR consulting firm whose other titles include Surviving the Office Holiday Party. QC reminds us: "You can take advantage of the office party to have some fun and advance your career or misbehave and cripple your career."

Quintessential's tips include:

• Do remember that although office parties are intended as social events to reward employees and raise morale, they remain strictly business events.
• Do act as though your behavior is being observed every minute (because it probably is).
• Don't pass up the invitation to an office party; not attending could hurt your reputation. And when you attend, do spend at least 30 minutes at the party for appearances. But don't overstay your welcome by partying until the wee hours.
• Do conduct yourself professionally at all times. Don't use the office party as an excuse to blow off steam. It's still a company function, so proper etiquette and decorum matter.
• Don't bring the party lampshade, gag gifts for the boss, or any other crazy stuff you might do at a personal holiday party.
• Do enjoy yourself at the party. Employers spend the big bucks to reward their employees, so be sure to enjoy the one holiday gifts you may be getting from the company.

That's right drones. "Enjoy" yourself! Not too much, though. Someone is watching, and one wrong move could cost you your career!      

Let me be clear: I'm not criticizing Quintessential Careers. Sadly, they are exactly right. Their recommendations make sense, and that is exactly the problem. What they're describing isn't a party. It's a wake. I'd rather stay home and do my taxes.      

I last had a good time at an office party back in college, when I attended the annual gala for the buildings and grounds crew, the guys who plow snow, mow lawns, and buffalo heavy furniture for minimum wage. After a few too many, one of guys committed about 25 or so office party "don'ts," which culminated in a threat to "put the knuckles" to his immediate supervisor and an attempt to throw an empty beer keg at a coworker's car. Now that's an office party!

You might not want to take it to that extreme, but if your holiday party comes with a tacit list of do's and don'ts that is longer than the healthcare reform bill, maybe you should look for another way to express your appreciation.

 Here's a suggestion: pay employees for the two or so hours that they'd otherwise have spent at the party, divvy up and give them the money you'd budgeted for the party, tell them to spend the time and the money with whomever and on whatever they want, and wish them Happy Holidays.